2020 is canceled.
Mid-2019 I got back with my ex. He came back to my arms again, asking for forgiveness and a second chance. He told me how fucked up he was and he still loves me. Knowing me, I love him. So much. I worship him so I accept him back.
There were ups and downs biasa lah adat bercinta right? But we were going so strong. Whenever there's an argument, esok mesti baik balik, we figured things out together bcs we don't want to lose each other again. So I said to myself, Wow he's being serious. And by mean serious, he bought me a promise ring and even propose to my mother. A fucking big step. He told my mom that he will bring his family to meet mine end of this year to get engaged.
Everything was going well until this pandemic happened to our world. The lockdown and all. We fell apart. Since there's no job, he has been doing some charity work and business. I understand he's busy. cari duit kahwin katanya. But after a while, there's no more text, no more calls. Yes, I admit, I'm a bit makan hati bcs dia takde time with me. Communication is a key right? He got mad bcs I didn't understand his work. Then make me understand lah! Instead of ghosting on me. Days become weeks, weeks become months. We stopped talking to each other. I thought maybe he needs time and space. But then I realize, I'm the only one who wants this relationship to work out. I'm the only one who wants him. So I started to distance myself until one day he texted me saying he loves me and dia memang tengah stress with the works and business. He even promise to see me on the weekend to fix things up with me. I waited. Waited for nothing. Because he never showed up, or even reply a text or pick up his damn phone. Even I spammed him, he'd yelled saying banyak lagi benda penting nak kena fikir and hung up.
Then one day, his schoolmate died. And he dumped me. Again.
I tried to call him, but he blocked me. I called his house and yes, he yelled again and hung up.
God, what did I do to deserve this kind of pain?
At first I thought maybe takde jodoh and maybe this is the best for us. Maybe we both toxic to each other. Maybe betul, I tak faham penat dia, usaha dia. Maybe there's someone better than me for him.
1 week after we broke up. He started to live his life the way he wanted to. The money he told me that he was saving for our engagement, he used it to go shopping. Living his best life.
What hurt me the most, a week after that he blocked me on Instagram and started to go out with girls and pasang our song. Our fucking song. Oh yeah I just found out that the song only meant a lot to me bcs he used to gave that song to his exes. I'm such a fucking clown for holding on that song. God knows apa lagi yang dia tipu I hidup hidup.
How do you come in people's life, gained my family's trust, and then walked away just like that?
I don't even know what we had was real or not. Is this even love? He played me so bad. What's the different dulu dengan sekarang? First he cheated, then now? yeah we broke up bcs we both tak faham each other. But back on Tinder immediately? Wtf is love even mean to him?
You said you love me. But when we broke up, you back on tinder like nothing has ever happened between us.
Whatever it is, my love is pure. I still love him. But that's on me, I don't need him to love me back for me to still be madly in love with him. It sucks that you sacrifice everything just to be a better woman for him. Time, heart, friendship. I even betray my damn self just to make him stay. But look what it got me. It got me fucked up.
This is not tea or shit. This is me expressing my feelings. Like I said, this one is on me. I love him, always have and always will. Maybe I'm in the denial stage of life, but nevermind. Stupid me, thinking that I will get married next year.
It's okay. One day, I'm gonna be in love again. One day I'm gonna move on.