Its been a long time since I'm back here in blogging. As u can see the date, I think this is the best day I tell u what has been happening since the incident.

"Always have and always will" is a powerful sentence that I ever used in my life. And it breaks me whenever i think of it. I only applied it to one person. Only one.

My sister told me, knowing u was the worst part in my 24 years of life. I couldn't deny that, its true. U put me through hell. But also, u made me the woman I am today and I thank you for that. 

I never felt love with anyone like I was with u. The butterflies in my body, in my heart. The jokes, all the arguments and the make up and also the efforts. There was so much goofy and laughter in our relationship and nobody can do that or even love me and accept me like u did. I sacrificed everything just to make u happy. And we did happy with each other company, only for a few years until u got bored. The point is, u made me happy and no one can compete with that. Its just sad that the other side of u appears to be as bad as I couldn't imagine. I know u'll never feel sorry for the way I hurt. Because of u, I never want to love again cs I never want to feel that shit again. To be loved like a fairy tale and ended up bad like dying. An eternal love bullshit u know u'll never mean cs I remember when I believe in it.

Its been a year now since we broke up, I moved on but I don't think I ever heal from what u made me go through. I miss us, the memories that we have created. I miss to be loved like that. But there's no chance in hell I'll come back to u. Its just the flashbacks that kills me. Some times I let myself be vulnerable, scrolling my archive to look back at our memories. "Man, look at that smile, the laugh. When will I ever gonna feel like that?"

Honestly, I'm scared to open up. Hell I'm terrified to ever tell someone our love story. Its just to depressing. I tried to be with someone after u, but it didn't work out. I ghosted on him. Its better that way. Its not bcs I can't get over u. Its the pain that I can't get over with. For some other reason, I can be toxic to u too, we both hurt each other in other way.  And there's a reason why God take that love away from us. He knows best. We are better off without each other.

I'm glad that u're happy now, u found someone to fill that void 2 weeks after approaching me for another chance tho. Good for u. One more girl who brings out the better in u. She's probably the one u thought giving u butterflies. 

I've been wondering, is this my karma from the past? Which I was so ready to jump into the next relationship, while Akhmal was devastated for years after I left him. Now the table turn. Well, at least this time I learned my lesson. Never again open up to someone too soon.

Thank you for happiest year of my life, I forgive u but I will never forget the pain that u have caused. It was an amazing roller coaster ride of life with u and forever I'm grateful for that existence. I'll be better on the next ride. See u on the other side.

Love, Emy.

Its 3 in the morning now. Crazy isnt it that I have the inspiration to let this out at this hour.

I always thought all these years, no one will willingly to accept me for who I am other than Akhmal. He always curse me with that everytime I broke up with him. Every guy that I’ve met, always ended up MIA. Like I'm a freaking R&R shit kinda thing. I felt so useless that thinking hey maybe he’s right. Im so desperate to move on from Akhmal that I open my heart to every single guy that I just met thinking that oh maybe this guy is interested in me, this could be a new beginning or new book that I would love to start with. But everyone ended up bailed on me. Since Akhmal was my first love maybe u know, this is my faith like no matter how far I run from Akhmal, at the end its gonna be him who accept me for who I am.

But then I met Adam. Never have I ever thought that he will turn my life upside down. What special about this relationship was, we started off as a friend. Like real friend that hang out and we address ourself with Kau Aku. Thats the moment when I thought, hey maybe this is a miracle that I’ve been pray for.

With Adam, its like looking yourself in the mirror. He’s like my reflection. Things maybe ended up bad between us in the first place, but when we got back together. The spark grow a lot stronger than before. He has love me, makes me fall for him for every second I am with him even through text or calls. He never missed one phone call with me. Introducing me to his family as I am the girl he wanna live his whole life with. And did the same thing to my family. Cliche but who does have the gut to meet his partner family and convince them that he is gonna take care of their child for the rest of his life, when they only been dating their child less than a year? 

Until he decided that Im just to much to handle, and left me again :) He really walked out from my life taking my greatest unconditional love with him. The first time he walked off, I gotta admit, he really drove me crazy that I ended up seeking for a professional help from the hospital. Young me, I was 22 years old. I wanted to take my own life bcs I couldnt bear the pain in my chest. I felt really bad that my sister and my mom have to involve in this heartbroken phase of mine. Especially my mom, she never ever witness this tragic stage of my life. I have eating disorder cs I felt really bad for eating cs my body is in the phase of grieving. I have sleeping disorder, that I couldnt sleep at all cs I want to feel this breakup is real and not a dream. This is the reality of my life that I need to face. If I try to sleep then I will wake up every 2 hours. Sounds really overreacting on a stupid break up right? But thats how I really feels it. For months I blame myself that I wasnt good enough, i blame myself where did it went wrong, what did i miss? Fuh, that was really the most traumatic phase I ever face.

The second time we broke up, I choose to not keep any vengeance. It broke my heart but I choose not to be what I used to be. I am going to move on and forgive him as my mom once told me, the only peace u can get is when u forgive someone and continue with whatever waiting ahead in ur life. I do follow her advice and I couldnt be more better right now.

But that doesnt stop me from loving you. Tho we’re not together, I choose to love u in silence so nothing can ever hurt me anymore. I pushed every one that trying to be close to me as Im not ready for another relationship. I just wanna focus on myself. But my mom told me that the reason I pushed every boy that try to get to know me cs I’ve been waiting someone to come back into my arms again. Idk man, Im not gonna jinks to anything or even hoping. Its just, Im comfortable with myself being with my loyal bestfriends. I am blessed with my small circle group of my friend and I couldnt ask for more. I had enough with it and lets just it be the last time I ever truly madly fall in love with someone. Maybe Im still young to say all of this crap idk. But it is truly the best journey I ever had in my life. 

Until now, its only been 4 months since the breakup and I couldnt stop looking at our pictures and video together. Its not making me sad or depressed by looking at those memories, its just it hit me like “Damn girl, u used to be this in love huh?” Like wow, its like it was never real. You were never real. And that memories, the pictures, videos. Its a proof that u do exist..

Idk if now is not our time to be together or maybe we are not meant to be together. But I really wish nothing but the best for u. Kalau ada jodoh, ada lah. It would be miracle. If takde then its okay. When the time comes, who knows a better man will come in my life and never leave me  when things get hard.

I always grateful for all the heartbreaks I’ve been through. Bcs without it, I would never learn and keep on looking for love like I was never hurt before. Now the older I get, I understand that u gotta love yourself first and from there, love will come to u.

Now, I currently replace my unconditional love to a pet of mine. The other half of me, my cat. Yeah I got myself a pet of cat after the brokeup thingy. I tell u its really cure my depression and doctor said Im doing really great that I have the possibility to discharge from anti-depressed medication. Bruh everyone keep on saying that the very first  time I got diagnosed in major depression is bcs of him.  I always thought the main issues that triggered me is my family cs it will be sound so stupid to lost your soul just bcs of a boy. But to think bout it, yeah inside of me really died the first time u left me. I have no feelings. To laugh, scared, care or even love at that time cs I really died inside.

Till now, I couldnt ask for a better man when I’m with Adam. He genuinely the best thing that ever happen in my life and I really hopes if the next person that Im gonna be in love with, he will make me laugh like how Adam did when we were together. 

Thats all folks, 

Xoxo