Its been a long time since I'm back here in blogging. As u can see the date, I think this is the best day I tell u what has been happening since the incident.

"Always have and always will" is a powerful sentence that I ever used in my life. And it breaks me whenever i think of it. I only applied it to one person. Only one.

My sister told me, knowing u was the worst part in my 24 years of life. I couldn't deny that, its true. U put me through hell. But also, u made me the woman I am today and I thank you for that. 

I never felt love with anyone like I was with u. The butterflies in my body, in my heart. The jokes, all the arguments and the make up and also the efforts. There was so much goofy and laughter in our relationship and nobody can do that or even love me and accept me like u did. I sacrificed everything just to make u happy. And we did happy with each other company, only for a few years until u got bored. The point is, u made me happy and no one can compete with that. Its just sad that the other side of u appears to be as bad as I couldn't imagine. I know u'll never feel sorry for the way I hurt. Because of u, I never want to love again cs I never want to feel that shit again. To be loved like a fairy tale and ended up bad like dying. An eternal love bullshit u know u'll never mean cs I remember when I believe in it.

Its been a year now since we broke up, I moved on but I don't think I ever heal from what u made me go through. I miss us, the memories that we have created. I miss to be loved like that. But there's no chance in hell I'll come back to u. Its just the flashbacks that kills me. Some times I let myself be vulnerable, scrolling my archive to look back at our memories. "Man, look at that smile, the laugh. When will I ever gonna feel like that?"

Honestly, I'm scared to open up. Hell I'm terrified to ever tell someone our love story. Its just to depressing. I tried to be with someone after u, but it didn't work out. I ghosted on him. Its better that way. Its not bcs I can't get over u. Its the pain that I can't get over with. For some other reason, I can be toxic to u too, we both hurt each other in other way.  And there's a reason why God take that love away from us. He knows best. We are better off without each other.

I'm glad that u're happy now, u found someone to fill that void 2 weeks after approaching me for another chance tho. Good for u. One more girl who brings out the better in u. She's probably the one u thought giving u butterflies. 

I've been wondering, is this my karma from the past? Which I was so ready to jump into the next relationship, while Akhmal was devastated for years after I left him. Now the table turn. Well, at least this time I learned my lesson. Never again open up to someone too soon.

Thank you for happiest year of my life, I forgive u but I will never forget the pain that u have caused. It was an amazing roller coaster ride of life with u and forever I'm grateful for that existence. I'll be better on the next ride. See u on the other side.

Love, Emy.