Let me start with where this all begins.

Akhmal Roslan,

My first love, my ex-lover ever since high school till Degree. He was there, through my ups and downs. 5 years of being together, the longest relationship that I ever held on. With him, I felt the love, but guess we were really young back then. I remember my first heartbreak with him. He left me for so-called tak nak buat dosa dah. Being together with me mendatangkan banyak maksiat, so he wanted to change himself to be a better man. Speechless. He left me just like that. I was 18 at that time. Shocked. But I have to respect his decision so I let him be what he wants to be. A month later, he came back to me. Crying, begging for my love back. Down on his knee, hugging my legs asked for forgiveness. I took him back.

I remember every bad thing I did in life is bcs to be even with him. To show him that I can be that girl too. By bad, I meant really bad. Its all bcs of him, so Im not some kind of typical boring girl he's dating with. I wanna be the girl that he proud to have. The pretty and badass girl for him. Stupid me, willingly to try everything new just to show him I can be that kind of girl. I even start to learn how to wear makeup so I look different. As I said, I was young.

I think my first symptoms of depression started with him. I remember I used to beg him to come and see me bcs I know that if we meet, we both won't have the courage to leave each other sides. Akan baik juga. But there you go, off his phone and choose to ignore me till we both "calm". I cried, asking myself why he did this to me? He said he loves me, but every time things get tough he will leave me with all the overthinking and only come back to me after a few months when he thinks it's convenient for him. I knew that time I deserve better, so every time I got the chance to move on, I grab that opportunity to find someone else. Yes, back then my definition of move on is to be with someone new. Im like super excited every time we broke up like yes I'm ready for my new life. I need to get the fuck out of this life. I have no time to be sad I just need to move my ass out.

Along the way, I met few people in my life. It didn't last long. 2 weeks, they disappear and by that time I started to think "Hey, maybe Akhmal was right? No one wants me like how he wants me. No one will tahan with me macam mana he tahan with me." And that is why, my love story with Akhmal will never end. I kept on going back to him. 

We were together since 2013 till 2018. I cant recall things about Akhmal that made me cant move on from him. But one thing for sure, whoever get to be Akhmal's girl. She's the luckiest girl. Why? Akhmal will do anything just to make you happy and be there with you. 45mins of ride for every fucking day? Small matter for him, he will do anything for you. He definitely not a sweet talker kind of guy, he will never sugarcoat anything with you and that's the best part. You know whatever comes from his mouth is not something nak sedapkan hati you. It means he jujur. But he has a little temper inside of him.

One day, 3 years of being with him, he started to show his true colour. That day that I will never forget. The day I got my first slap from him. It started when he suddenly check my tweets and saw how I tweet about this one guy when we broke up. He got mad, question my loyalty even it doesn't count as cheating as we already broke up at that time. He started to pull my hair and yell until my housemates can dengar the slap. Imagine how loud it was :)

Funny. I stayed with him after that incident. Betul lah orang cakap, sekali dah naik tangan ni memang tak boleh nak cakap lebih dah. Since that, every time we fight he will get physical with me as nak senyapkan I. Stupid me, never fight back. I just let him choke me, jentik my lips or even pukul my kaki. Maybe bcs I believed that yeah I deserve this bcs its my fault and he loves me more than I love him yet I still sibuk cari replacement dia every time we broke up. Yes banyak kali kitorang on and off. 

So one day, I got this strong instinct nak check his phone. Surprisingly, tak ada beza pun I dengan dia. He talked with other girls too behind my back. So I confronted him. What he did? Snatch that phone from my hand and delete the conversation just like that. Im shocked. No explanation, he just left me like that. His excuses were, nak berkawan je bukan jumpa parents ajak kahwin pun. Things are, when we were together, we never talk about settling down as bertunang or nak kahwin. That day, I learn that I don't need this bullshit anymore. My feelings towards him slowly fading. Apa nak jadi, jadi lah.  This time around, we both were really chill and okay with our status. Idk maybe to him, its okay bcs no matter what I will always choose him. But for me, I'm more to forgiving him and just be friends with him. You wanna go out movie with me? Sure I'll hang out with you. Wanna go makan and chill? Sure I'm down. Since after all the outing, balik masing masing buat hal sendiri, no text no call. So what does that mean? Friends right? I'm super cool with it bcs hati dah tawar. I expect nothing in return from him. I started spending more time with my girlfriends and that's helped me a lot. And yes, I finally moved on completely from Akhmal Roslan after 5 years of being together. It's not easy, takes me a lot of courage to walk away from this relationship.

That day when I finally moved on from Akhmal, he pissed off as I nak dengan siapa boleh but if dia buat tak boleh. I swear I never control him nak keluar borak or berkawan dengan siapa since we're no longer talk with each other. But he really mad and started to post something nak menganjing I dekat his IG Story. I have no choice but to unfollowed him. Oh he unfollowed me first, then bila things got melampau I have to unfollowed him too. 

I don't know where to begin.
Tonight, a wave of memories hit me. The good and bad memories, both killing me.
1 month before the anniversary, you left me again like what we have been through together meant nothing at all. It's like a waste of time and energy.
But that's to you. Not me.
My last post stated that I've betrayed myself to be a good woman for you. But that's the point, you made me become a good woman for myself. But honestly, I have never been so much in love when I'm with you despite all the arguments. It's like you gave me a new life, new me new adventures.  How do you move on knowing that you're still in love?
We both once pernah berangan, how our life will be so perfect after marriage bcs we got each other back every day. What I did not expect is that you never want to fight for this relationship and you don't even find a reason to stay. The promises you made to me, to my family, my friends...
Why did you came, gave me so much love and leave me? The only thing I wanna do in front you is just burst my tears out bcs I don't deserve this shit you gave me after everything I gave to you.
Maybe it's true. All of this was never real. I just gotta live with the fact. I could have begged, but the amount of disrespect I've got made me feel unwanted.
I used to be stupid once when you left me for the first time. I almost took my life away. But I'm not gonna do that ever again. I know I'm gonna be okay :) I know I'm gonna be in love again with someone that will never hurt me with goodbye. I also know that this pain will go away eventually, it's just I need to fight for myself a little bit longer.
I changed my blog name so no one will know how I feel now. But if you manage to find this and read this.. I love you.. so much.. Please don't come back. I wish nothing but the best of you, please do the same for me. I will be okay and one day I will move on, just not now.